The Pizzagate + Epstein Files rabbit hole is deep. Mariana Trench Deep. This barely scratches the surface. 

Whew! This year was... different. After 13 years of grinding and navigating the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle, God gave me REST. 

In February, I quit my job. Technically, I was fired, but I had mentally quit months prior. I really liked my job, even with the long hours spent handling client requests during London and Hong Kong working hours. But once we were acquired by another company in October 2021, it gradually went downhill from there. There were three rounds of layoffs in 2022, and the new management didn't understand how the smaller company we once were operated as a well-oiled machine. It seemed like they were hellbent on making our work more difficult than it already was. 

After the layoffs, I became the only African American at the company in a senior position, AND I handled our biggest and most profitable account. That account was my former employer. For context, the SVP at my previous job actually recommended me for this job because she knew that I knew the company's dynamics, and I would be an asset to the changing needs they required that the pandemic caused. 

In late January, one of our new overlords requested that I meet him for lunch in the city on February 2nd. I knew something was up when he repeatedly told me to quit if I wasn't happy. He told me that no less than six times. I started counting after the third time while I sat there and ate an overpriced salad. I told him I never said I wasn't happy, but I did mention that some things needed to change so the company could be more efficient, particularly in the billing department. Because I spoke up about my concerns regarding how they processed invoices (or the lack thereof), he called me "aggressive, terse, gruff, and rough around the edges." During Black History Month. It was intentional. He told me I needed to be "softer" when questioning my colleagues regarding why invoices were **repeatedly** wrong/late/non-existent. 

By February 9th, things came to a head, and I sent an email to management and billing that needed to be said. I was professional, yet I shined a light on ongoing problems that they didn't like. Soon word got out, and my legacy colleagues privately agreed with me. They were tired of the BS too. I knew it would likely get me fired, and at that point I didn't care. The job I liked, the job that had me working 18+ hour days, was affecting my mental and physical health. I needed a break. 

The next day before 11am, I had a Zoom call with HR. I got severance, unemployment, and peace. Yes, I haven't worked since February 10th. Needless to say, the SVP that recommended me for the job I was just fired from was PISSED once she found out I no longer worked there, and my former colleagues let me know that their biggest client was not happy.

​Yet, I was free! FREE! And I used that freedom to pour into myself. Heavily. To the brim. Overflowing abundantly. I set a goal to complete 500 iFit exercises on my NordicTrack treadmill. I lifted weights. I prayed more. I meditated at 10am and 1pm or whenever spirit moved me. I could sleep in or get up early. I could go see a Broadway play at 2pm without a care in the world. I read books that I never had time to read. I binge-watched series after series. I did exactly what the fuck I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I was on my own time. For the first time in my adult life, I wasn't concerned about money or how I would pay bills. Thankfully, I invested well during the pandemic.

I wholeheartedly believe God knew I needed a break. I had been pouring into everyone and everything else and neglecting myself. After the Nas One Night Only concert at MSG in late February, I went to Little Rock a week later. I wanted to recharge. See my mom and sis. Get back to my roots. Eat a U.S. Pizza salad or three. Little did I know that my hometown would be hit by monster tornadoes on March 31st. It's crazy how life turns out. How some things change and others remain the same.

Spring rolled around. I saw Chloe Bailey at Terminal 5 in April. I saw Janet Jackson at Barclays Center in May. Then summer quickly came. I was dropping pounds, gaining muscle, and living a life of leisure. After seeing The Book of Hov exhibit at the Brooklyn Public Library in mid-July, I finally decided where I wanted to go for my 39th birthday. While I ate nachos with a friend at Maz Mezcal, I booked a flight and accommodations for Turks and Caicos. I saw Beyoncé four times - twice at MetLife Stadium and NRG Stadium. I finally tried indoor skydiving, something I wanted to do since I was a teen. I saw Kerry Washington and Jada Pinkett-Smith during their book tour stops at PAC NYC. I saw Wu Tang and Nas at Barclays Center for their NY State of Mind Tour. I saw Flyana Boss and Janelle Monae at Kings Theatre for The Age of Pleasure Tour. On October 19th, I saw Pras from The Fugees celebrate his 51st birthday at Barclays Center during The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill 25th Anniversary Tour. The next day, I flew back home to Little Rock to surprise my sister and celebrate her 37th birthday. I felt like a big ass kid again when we went to the Arkansas State Fair.

I also saw Marlon Wayans perform his stand-up set "Good Grief" at The Apollo Theater. Speaking of stand-up comedy, footage I took 5 years ago at Kevin Hart's Irresponsible Tour was used in the "Kevin Hart & Chris Rock: Headliners Only" documentary on Netflix. Seeing my name in the credits dead center between Getty Images and Kevin Hart Family is something I would have never expected! Look at God!

You never know who is watching you... or your YouTube footage. This year has been surreal to say the least.  

By November 4th, I met my iFit goal and completed 500 workouts on my treadmill. This morning, I surpassed my goal and completed 600 workouts! Hands down - THAT is my biggest flex this year! Come on hard work and discipline!!! I reached my target weight. I'm toned. I'm healthy. I'm happy. I'm super proud of myself, and I feel amazing!​

This year has taught me rest. I'm so used to being on go that I didn't know what pause felt like. Even when I've been on vacation, I was expected to check emails and answer work calls. This year, I've been able to take time for me - to really recharge and rejuvenate mind, body, and soul. I saw a post earlier that said, "God said in 2023, I made you strong. In 2024, I am going to show you why." 

God has really kept me this year. He showed me what I'm made of and what's possible when I do me for me. He gave me grace. Stillness. Beauty for ashes. Break for burnout. I'm reinvigorated and ready to take on the next chapter of this blessed thing we call life - whatever it may be. God, thank you for always making a way out of no way - for going before me and making crooked places straight. I look forward to everything You have in store for 2024!

If you're reading this, PLEASE take time for YOU. Social media will have you chasing a bag to the death of you. Comparing yourself to others or trying to climb the corporate ladder (especially when companies are doing mass layoffs) can make you feel like you're not doing enough. I know people have kids, bills, and other responsibilities, but seek time for yourself. Learn to rest. Learn to relax. Learn to unplug. Learn to just... be. Productivity doesn't define your worth. Do NOT equate your value with your output. Be intentional about pouring into yourself because you can't pour from an empty cup.

​I hope you have a safe, happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year! Love ya deep! xoxo

P.S. PAY ME LIKE A WHITE MAN 2024, CEASE FIRE NOW, AND #FREEGAZA!!!​

I shall elucidate... in a world gone stark raving mad, be a Mad Hatter. 

After going to the 25th Anniversary of The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill concert at Barclays Center on October 19th, the next day I was headed home and no one knew. 

"Open the door, fool!"

My mom was shocked when I rang the doorbell. I made sure to move out of the way of the Blink camera. 

"Who are you calling a fool, and what are you doing here?" shouted mom with a big smile on her face.

"Sorry ma, I thought you were Joce," I said laughing with my arms extended. "My bad, give me a hug!"  

"Come on in here," she said as she hugged me. 

I had no real plans. I just wanted to see sis and mom, hang out, eat a U.S. Pizza salad (or three), see what's new in town, and relax. 

Mom told me Joce was still at work but should be home by 7:30pm. I talked to mom for a bit, then told her not to tell Joce I was here. The plan was to check-in to my hotel then come back to mom's to surprise Joce by 7:45pm. 

Once I got back to the house, mom opened the door and told me Joce was in her room. I creeped down the hallway then flung open the door saying, "What the hell going on in here!" 

Joce was laying in her bed, eating a U.S. Pizza salad (because... sisters) and watching tv. She hopped up excited and laughing, still chewing her dinner, said OMG repeatedly, then gave me the biggest hug! Reunited and it feels so good! Mom looked at us just smiling and laughing. 

The Pull-Up Queen's plan was executed perfectly, and the whole weekend was a fun-filled vibe!  ​

Feeling like a kid again, doesn't mean you ARE a kid. We both felt every bit of those rides afterwards. 

What up J!

It's me - um, you again! I'm coming to you live from 13 years in the future in the year of our Lord 2023. Yep, you made it to 39! I know I previously sent you - um, me A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self. Seems like this 13 year pattern is becoming a thing, but there are some things you should know. 

I know you just left Little Rock because you had no other options. What happened to you was royally fucked up. I also know you just arrived in NYC for the third time in as many years and you're homeless... again. It sucks, I know, but trust God's plan. He saw what happened. He weighs the motives and knows the intentions of man. He will give you beauty for ashes. So fix your face. You know I - um, you don't like crying in public. So... you're starting the next chapter in your Fuck It! Let's Go To New York journey. Yeah, you'll write about that in 7 years when you launch your blog. More on that later...

Just know you're here to follow your dreams, and you WILL succeed. You're reading this right now because I know you're scared. Pissed. Tight. Mad AF. And you have every right to be. But I need to keep you focused. I also know you're hungry. Ready for the hustle and grind. Ready to prove niggas wrong. See, nothing that happened to you is a surprise to God. Nothing you did or anyone else did will keep you from God's plans for your life. God wastes nothing and uses everything. He sees the whole picture. What others mean to you as evil, God promises to use for good. Do you understand that? Listen to me...

And that wasn't me - um, you, but you get the sentiment. You're powerful, but not powerful enough to change God's plan. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is supposed to happen the way it happens - the great, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was written. Now, I'm supposed to give you some advice, but it's the same thing I told you when you were 13... "keep going, you're good". 

You just got back from Turks and Caicos. Yeah, YOU! You went parasailing and jet skiing and celebrated turning 39 on a boat with your melanin glowing! You've been to Cabo and Jamaica. You'll smoke a joint in front of Bob Marley's burial place. Baby, this is Jah Love! You went to Accra, Ghana in 2019 for "The Year of Return" before the pandemic hit. Oh yeah, by the way... don't take the Covid vaccine. I don't give a fuck what *they* say. Fuck them boosters, too. Just trust me - um, you on it. Take your vitamins and black seed oil, and eat as healthy as possible. Your immune system will thank you - um, me. Us. You know what I mean. 

6 months from now, you'll work for a company that will fly you to London for a month on their dime. While you're there, you'll visit Amsterdam and Paris. You'll leave London the week before William and Kate get married. Three months after you get back to the States, you'll be moving into your brand new apartment in Bed-Stuy with a view of the Manhattan skyline. Ms. Laws, do you see why I need to keep you focused?!

You can't give up now! I know you have people plotting your demise. They want to see you fail miserably. They don't want to see you doing better than them. They think your goals are unattainable and unrealistic, but they don't know what God told you - um, me. They don't know what we KNOW. That's why you can't give up. I won't let you! God won't let you!

He's given me permission to tell you these things because He knows the odds you're facing. You need motivation. Besides, I know I'm bending the space-time continuum by telling you this, but it won't affect your future. Side Note: You will go to all these Broadway shows, too! I know how much you love the theatre. The last show you've seen is "Back to the Future". Very apropos, init? Listen, God knows all of those rejection letters from sports teams and leagues shook your confidence. He knows how hard you've been trying. But let me tell you a little secret. Better yet, let me show you... 

You see that?! You will be at the naming rights ceremony in Bryant Park when New Meadowlands Stadium becomes MetLife Stadium. You'll be at Super Bowl XLVIII in 2014 running stadium wide communication among the other many hats you'll wear. Nigga, you are #SuperBowlGoals and your twist out is poppin'! Bitch, don't let no one tell you your natural hair ain't it, cause it IS IT! 

You're going to work and attend all these cool events, meet celebs, and even be in rooms you never thought you'd be in getting information that only UHNWI know. Don't believe me - um, you?

And that's just a few! You have NO idea the favor, miracles, and blessings God has in store for you, but trust me and trust God, you have to keep going. IT'S A MUST! Otherwise, the things I'm telling you and the pictures I'm showing you won't exist. You feel me - um, you? 

Alright, this will really put a battery in your back... remember in "A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self" when I told you to go back to zoning out to Jay-Z's album, "In My Lifetime, Vol. 1". Remember I told you he's going to marry THE biggest artist in the world, and the group she's in hasn't even released their first album yet. Well, you just saw her in concert twice at MetLife Stadium, and her kid performed with her. And it was EPIC! Yeah, I know you're a bit confused cause Blue Ivy hasn't even been born yet. But listen, there are robot arms, a metallic tank, twins swinging on poles, a ballroom dance battle, and the outfits are SICK, ok! She got the whole world GAGGED! And because you get all this dope ass footage, you post it on YouTube and your blog. You know, the one I mentioned earlier that you'll start in 7 years. Then your videos get a million views combined in like a day. One video even gets a million+ views!  

You know what, let me just give you a taste... 

So you see kid, you're good. Just keep going. God got you - um, me! Us! I promise!!! :-) 

If you're reading this, you made it to the last day of 2020. The end of Jumanji: Level 12. The last Thursday of the first year of this already insane decade!  

Last year everyone was so hopeful, so ready to ring in 2020 with eyes wide open and vision clear. I had a few events on my calendar that I was excited to attend - a taping of Tamron Hall's show on January 14th, Tommy Davidson's book signing on January 28th, Oprah's 2020 Vision: Your Life in Focus tour on February 8th, Ladies' Night R&B Super Jam on February 15th, and The Town Hall's Lena Horne Prize for Artists Creating Social Impact Celebrating Solange Knowles on February 28th. The last event I attended before coronavirus exploded in NYC was Harry Belafonte's birthday celebration on March 1st at the Apollo Theater. On the same day, Governor Cuomo announced the first case in New York. Little did I know that two weeks later, everything would shutdown, and my calendar and birthday travel plans were null and void.

The cluster was rapidly growing in New Rochelle, Westchester County. Gov. Cuomo declared a state of emergency on March 7th with the number of cases then at 89, including 11 in NYC. On March 11th, the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a global pandemic. Later that day, Rudy Gobert of the Utah Jazz tested positive after mocking the virus - touching players, their belongings, and mics at a press conference just a couple days earlier. The Utah Jazz vs. Oklahoma City Thunder game was seconds away from tip-off when it was officially postponed. Then the NBA announced the season was suspended indefinitely. Donovan Mitchell tested positive on March 12th. So did Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Bank of America sent word to us on Saturday, March 14th that we'd be working from home until further notice. Dr. Anthony Fauci became a household name. Toilet paper, Lysol, and bleach flew off the shelves. Broadway and other entertainment venues closed. Students were forced to home-school. PPE became critical for healthcare workers. Everyone was told to wear masks. New York City became the epicenter. Coronavirus had changed life as we knew it, and it disproportionately affected African Americans at a much higher rate even though it was initially a running joke that people of color were immune.

The transition to permanently working from home and not being able to go out as usual wasn't easy, but it was necessary. I was glued to the news, like the rest of the world, watching updates and seeing cases rise while Gov. Cuomo held daily briefings about flattening the curve and pleading for help from the federal government. I began investing in the stock market and cryptocurrency when the Dow plunged nearly 3,000 points in March - one of the best decisions I made this year. I also started cooking more... and gaining more weight. I binged-watched a ton of shows and documentaries like "Tiger King," athleisure became wardrobe essentials (sans bras), and Zoom and WebEx meetings were the new normal. Trump wanted the economy opened by Easter and repeatedly played down the virus. In a recorded call made on February 7th, 45 told investigative journalist Bob Woodward that Covid-19 was "more deadly than even your strenuous flus." I should also note that Woodward withheld this information from the public for *seven months* to sell his book, "Rage" that was released on September 15th. By the end of April, I realized how much money I was saving and investing. My days became more routine even when I didn't know what day it was. I got into a groove, a pattern. So did the United States. On April 28th, we hit 1 million coronavirus cases. 

The weather became warmer. People flocked to beaches and tired Tulum and Cancun out. We looked forward to Verzuz battles. D-Nice kept us grooving on the 1s and 2s. Beyoncé gave us Black Excellence with Black Is King. Tabitha Brown showed us how to make tasty vegan dishes. We laughed at and shared hilarious memes and watched endless TikTok challenges. The world continued to watch cases rise, but everything changed on May 25th when the video of George Floyd being murdered by cops in Minneapolis went viral. The bystander's video was on repeat on every news station and linked in every article. After being quarantined in our homes for months, people of all races and backgrounds took to the streets en masse to protest police brutality and systemic racism. His death galvanized over 60 countries and ignited an overdue racial reckoning for justice and equality. Let me tell you, this year has been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining! Black fatigue is real. I still remember how I felt like a disconnected zombie answering work emails that started with Happy Monday! Hope you had a relaxing weekend. or Happy FriYay! Hope all is well! :-) These emails and awkward, tone-deaf conference calls continued ALL summer, as if my white coworkers were oblivious to the Black Lives Matter movement, and the trauma their Black colleagues were enduring on a daily. Police bodycam of George Floyd's murder wasn't released until August by DailyMail.com which fanned the flames and intensified my rage all over again. 

Still reeling from the death of Kobe Bryant, the murders of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Rayshard Brooks, and so many others, I was beyond exhausted. John Lewis and C.T. Vivian died on the same day. Then I was laid off 5 days after my 36th birthday. Then Chadwick Boseman died. Wildfires raged in Australia and the West Coast. Hurricanes ravaged cities. It felt like the hits just kept coming. More deaths, more destruction, more social unrest, more government ineptitude, more layoffs and unemployment, more uncertainty, more bullshit, more day-drinking. I had several come to Jesus moments! S.E.V.E.R.A.L.!!! It wasn't until after I attended The Commitment March in Washington, DC that I felt energized and revitalized. September 1st made 10 years since I moved to NYC, and I knew that I needed to make some serious changes, set some goals, and get my shit together - pandemic be damned. Luck (or should I say God, Hallelujah!) would have it that I was offered a management position in October at Veracast Communications with better pay, better benefits, a company AmEx card, and a hefty sign-on bonus. The irony is that I'm working with my former coworkers since they are our biggest client. I also started seeing substantial gains in my investment portfolios, and I even lost some weight. Look at God!!! 

On November 3rd was Election Day (that turned into Election Week), which eventually saw Joe Biden receiving more than 81 million votes - the most votes ever cast for a candidate in a U.S. presidential election. Kamala Harris will be the United States first female vice president and the first African American and Asian American vice president. So much history has been made in such an unprecedented year. By November 8th, the U.S. hit 10 million coronavirus cases. On November 27th, the nation hit 13 million. On today, New Year's Eve, as we are all eager to ring in a new year and put 2020 behind us, we are on the verge of 20 million cases and 341,000 deaths and counting in the U.S. There are 82.5 million cases and 1.8 million deaths worldwide. There is a new, highly contagious Covid strain spreading in Colorado and California, first discovered in the UK. Many experts have said this will be a "dark winter" although some 2.8 million vaccines have already been administered. I know this sounds hella depressing, but even with these grim stats I have so much to be thankful, grateful, and hopeful for. We all do. 

If you did nothing but scrape by and survive this year against all odds, consider THAT a grand achievement. It doesn't matter if you didn't read a single book, or learn how to bake banana bread, or learn a new language, or learn to play a musical instrument, or master a TikTok dance, or start a business with your $1200 stimulus check, or use this time to engage in creative pursuits. It's great if you did, but honestly, none of that shit is important because the only thing that truly matters is your health and well-being. Health is wealth! If you are alive and well and never contracted coronavirus, consider yourself blessed. You won 2020. If you tested positive for corona, and you're feeling much better now and your symptoms are gone (or just mild), then you won 2020. And if you tested positive for 'rona and you're in a hospital on a ventilator fighting for your life or you're at home in quarantine, and your immune system is doing all it can so you can make it one more day and see 2021, then you, too, have won 2020! Please be gentle and kind to yourself, this year has been hard on everyone.

My heart goes out to the doctors, and nurses, and first responders, and essential workers who've been going nonstop since March. Our brave heroes, your selflessness is truly appreciated! You're in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for the families who have lost loved ones and couldn't be at their bedside when they took their final breath or attend their funeral. My deepest condolences to you. I pray for your strength and peace. I pray for every single soul that we loss this year to this wretched virus. Words cannot express the grief we all feel by your absence. You're in no more pain. I pray your souls are at rest. I pray for everyone who has lost a job or a business and have to depend on the government for assistance. January 5th can't come fast enough! Georgia, VOTE BLUE! January 20th will usher in new leadership. I pray God gives Biden, Harris, and his administration guidance to make vital decisions that will help the nation heal, provide much needed assistance, and get us back on the right track. I pray for everyone whose mental health languishes, and you're dealing with depression, frustration, and anxiety. I get it. I understand. Just know you're not alone. We're all in this together.

I must say 2020 has definitely brought me even closer to God. This year has re-taught me how to relinquish my plans and surrender all to the Most High. I'm in the world, not of it. Constant prayer, unwavering faith, meditation, and shadow work has helped me tremendously! God opened my eyes and told me to let go of things that ran its course and to disengage from distractions that misalign me from His divine purpose. He also removed people who were only meant to be in my life for a season. Oftentimes, your elevation requires isolation. You can't take yourself to the next level by sinking to everyone else's. I loved hard on the ones who love me. I chased bliss. I embraced happiness. I count it all as joy, and I thank God for my blessings. Oddly enough, 2020 has been the year of perfect vision... viewed through a spiritual lens. Since perfection can't be enhanced, strive for progress in 2021 regardless of whatever it throws your way. Remember, trouble don't last always!

​Sending everyone the biggest virtual hug, peace that surpasses all understanding, unconditional love, light in the midst of darkness, and many blessings beyond measure! I pray you have a safe, healthy, happy, joyous, and socially distanced New Year! 

p.s. Please wear a damn mask and continue to wash your hands! Love you deep!!! See you in 2021! xoxo

WE THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN! Words cannot even express the amount of joy, pride, and relief I feel right now... President-Elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is elected 46th President of the United States! Madam Vice President-Elect Kamala Devi Harris, the first woman, the first Black woman, the first South Asian woman, the first HBCU grad, the first member of the Divine Nine representing Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated just made HERSTORY! ​

America is beyond ready for real leadership. After a tumultuous, unprecedented year with the continuous spread of coronavirus, the racial reckoning after the murder of George Floyd, and the stark divisiveness of our democracy, THIS is what we need. 

Four days after election night, Pennsylvania put Joe Biden over the top to secure the presidency! Votes are still being counted in Georgia, and Joe is also leading there. And it's all because of THEE Stacey Abrams. After the governor race was stolen from her through voter suppression in 2018, a state a Democratic president hasn't won since 1992 with former President Bill Clinton, she galvanized, strategized, and turned the state blue through her massive voter registration drives. Other Black women who were also influential in helping to flip Georgia are Nse Ufot, Helen Butler, Tamieka Atkins, and Deborah Scott. 

Yes, the Democratic Party owes Black women a *hefty* debt of gratitude and respect! Joe Biden broke Barack Obama's record for most votes in a presidential election with more than 75 MILLION votes... so far. Barack Obama received about 69.5 million votes in 2008.

I honestly never thought I'd see the day, that in the span of 12 years we would elect our first Black President and first Black Vice President to the White House. As a Black woman who went to an HBCU, received two degrees and pledged Delta, REPRESENTATION MATTERS! There is so much I want to say, but I'll leave you with this... dream big, work hard, believe in yourself, have faith, don't give up, and never let ANYONE tell you what you can't do! 

And wear a mask!!!

Since the pandemic hit, every event we've held has been virtual and largely geared towards COVID-19 and the market. My job as a Web Developer in Global Events at Bank of America hadn't changed much. Obviously, I was no longer building websites for in-person forums, conferences, or client entertainment events, but the work continued. It felt great when planners would request me to work on their event. Our department had a 24 hour turnaround policy for new event submission requests. I worked on a four person design team, and three of us took AMRS (also known as AMER for the Americas) requests on rotation. The other person worked in Europe and took EMEA (Europe, the Middle East, and Africa) events. On occasion, we would work on APAC (Asia Pacific) events, too. I had a reputation among event planners of creating websites quickly, along with the invitation and collateral, and emailing them the event overview the same day. Most times, within an hour or two depending on the workflow. I can't tell you how many emails I received from colleagues saying, "OMG! That was fast. Thanks for getting this built out so quickly. YOU'RE THE BEST!" 

So when my contract supervisor arrived three minutes late to the call on Tuesday, and told me she had some unfortunate news that was hard to share, I was shocked. The bank decided that due to the pandemic and pullback of events, they had to make some tough decisions. They let me go. She made it clear that it was not due to my job performance. I was hearing her, but not really hearing her. I was numb. Processing the gut punch. While still on the phone, I IM'd my team and told them I was literally on the phone, on mute (so she wouldn't hear me typing away), getting fired. They were just as shocked. I wanted to warn them that I was told they were laying off half the team. My former co-worker and I were the victims of "last in, first out." My three year anniversary would have been October 2nd. He would have made two years in September. The other two former co-workers had been there more than five years. 

I was laid off just five days after my 36th birthday. For five months, I'd watched the news and read articles about the rising number of people claiming unemployment benefits when the jobless numbers were released every Thursday morning. Over 30 million Americans have lost jobs since mid-March.  I was already uneasy about the security of my job when my contract company sent us an email on May 11th stating they were reducing our hourly rate by 15% from May 23rd to July 31st. Did the bank implement this temporary reduction or decrease the pay rate they had with the contract company? No. It was solely the contract company's discretion to skim off the top of their affiliates' paychecks to protect the firm's financial health, and there was nothing we could do about it. We couldn't even talk to the bank about it. 

During the call, my contract supervisor said that the bank would pay one month's severance to assist in my transition into joblessness. It would be paid over 4 weeks, making my last day on their books September 18th. Therefore, I have to wait until after I receive my last check to file for unemployment. I noticed I was receiving a call from my bank supervisor, and I told my contract supervisor who was calling. She told me to take the call and to call her back if I had any questions. She said she would update me on the off-boarding details as they become available, and that an HR rep would likely reach out to me to discuss what I needed to do regarding my 401(k) and ESOP (Employee Stock Ownership Plan) account. 

The bank supervisor basically reiterated what the contract supervisor said. They both conveyed sympathy for having to relay the message. They both thanked me for the work I contributed to the team. They both offered to write me recommendation letters and be a reference. I was sympathetic to them, too, because I knew this was awkward and tough for everyone. It just sucked all around. 

After I got off the phone with my former bank supervisor, I just sat in silence watching "25 Words or Less" on mute. I ran through a gamut of emotions in the span of 30 minutes. I was stunned, scared, and sad. Actually, I was mad - more like pissed. I also understood that it was strictly business, nothing personal. Then I prayed. I realized that I wasn't the only one getting laid off, and I wasn't the only person now unemployed due to 'rona.

Still, overwhelming anxiety set in. We're in the midst of two pandemics: COVID-19 and systemic racism. Seeing the death of George Floyd replayed multiple times in media already weighed on my mental health. Knowing that Breonna Taylor's killers still have not been arrested is completely infuriating. Then there is all this footage of cops being overly-aggressive with peaceful protesters. They've been maimed with rubber bullets, sprayed with pepper spray, police SUV's plowed through crowds, a woman was trampled by a police horse, and college students were stopped, pulled out of their car, and tased for no reason at all. 

More than 170,000 Americans have died from coronavirus complications, and the number continues to rise every day disproportionately affecting people of color. No one knows when the job market or economy will recover, when outside will open back up without restrictions, whether or not these vaccines now in trial will work, or how long we will have to wear these masks and social distance. Not to mention we have an election coming up. The uncertainty of the times we're living in right now can really take a heavy toll on you.

It was then that I decided I needed a list of all the events I worked on, during my almost three year stint, for potential future employers. I kept a running spreadsheet of my assigned projects when I wasn't able to enter them into our tracking system, for one reason or another, after I completed them. The system loaded slow then would time out, and sometimes wasn't available while working remotely. I quickly sent my résumé, the list, a few team pics, and some common code language that could easily be found online to my personal email. About 10 minutes later, my bank supervisor was sent an email (I was copied) from InfoSafe, the bank's security protocol, saying that I likely sent files to my personal email that was proprietary bank information. The email I sent was also attached. Awwww shit!

About 20 minutes after that, I got a call from my bank supervisor's supervisor recapitulating what my contract supervisor and bank supervisor had already stated. He then, very matter of factly, requested that I not send any more bank files to my personal email.

"Please stop," he frankly said.

I apologized and told him I didn't do it maliciously, and that I only wanted to show employers a list of events I've worked on - 425 events to be exact. It's ironic because during the interview process, the contract company and Bank of America requested a list of events I'd worked on while I was employed at BNY Mellon, and I didn't have a list. I had to recall from memory, and there were so many, so I was trying to save myself the headache this go-round. He understood my reasoning, again thanked me for my work, and we hung up. I thought I had seriously fucked up, and messed up my chances of getting the severance package, recommendation letters, and references. 

The day after I was fired, I watched, with the rest of the world, the Democratic National Convention as Senator Kamala Harris accepted the nomination for Vice President. For a few hours, I wasn't filled with anxiety about my future. I was witnessing history being made, and it made me perk up a bit. I was fixated on the first Black woman and the first South Asian ever nominated telling her story in a royal plum suit. 

It gave me a sense of hope and immense pride. It also made me want to start drafting a plan of how to cope over the next few months - the moves I needed to make to reposition myself in the corporate world and in life. Then dread set back in. September 1st marks ten years since I moved to New York. It also marks three years since I launched this blog. The idea of reaching the milestone of officially becoming a New Yorker and entering the job market rat race during a global pandemic with a fifteen year career in event management is daunting AF. I know I have a flexible skill set with tons of experience, but I'm also competing with millions of other Americans who are also looking for a job or a career change altogether. 

Then I got a text on Thursday. It was from my bank supervisor. She said she didn't want to bother me, but asked was it ok if she gave my contact information to some of the planners who were asking about me. I told her it was fine, and I apologized again for sending that file to my personal email and my reason for doing so. She said it's no worries at all, and her supervisor worked it out so it was all good. I felt much better that it was smoothed over. The last thing I wanted to do was leave a bad impression like I was some sort of disgruntled thief on my last day. 

There is also this spiritual force urging me to reignite my creativity - something that came so easy to me prior to 2010, and I've since struggled with for years. The hustle and grind to survive in NYC, and the determination I had to forge a career in the sports and entertainment industry took priority over indulging in my passion of writing and creating in various forms. I also think I suffered from impostor syndrome and allowed that doubt and fear to put up mental blocks of not being good enough, not going hard enough, and not writing enough. I came across a TikTok video while scrolling through Instagram on Friday by @fauxtivational_speaker that spoke to my innermost thoughts and made me feel seen, heard, and understood. It's like this guy has my apartment bugged, and has heard me having shadow work pep talks with myself and deep, vulnerable conversations with God. 

Yep, so this is where I am now. And fully embracing the crossroads of this new reality is the first step to figuring out what my second step should be...